Some Weird Tips of My Own

Mad Magazine 1967You know those aggravating online ads that talk about “weird tips” for losing weight or saving on energy bills? Well, two can play at that game. As a Boomer, I’ve lived long enough that I can offer some “weird tips” of my own.

Thwart Credit Card Theft. After you cut up an expired credit card, put only some of the pieces in the garbage. Put the rest in with the cat litter or the dog poop, where it’s unlikely criminals will go digging for them.

Save Closet Space. Throw out your old MAD magazines. They’re not worth anything on eBay today. They won’t be worth anything on eBay in the future because the people who get the jokes will either be dead or demented.

Avoid Ruining Your Day. Never close any hinged part of a car without checking for your keys first.

Dealing with Telemarketers #1. If you pick up the phone and there’s a moment of silence, feel free to hang up. It’s a telemarketer. This happens because they have automated equipment that doesn’t open a line to them until a human actually answers. A time saver for them AND us!

Dealing with Telemarketers #2. If you stay on the line and the person says “hello?” to see if someone’s there, again, feel free to hang up. Telemarketers don’t seem to understand that the person answering says “hello,” not the person calling.

Enjoy Your Coffee More. If you take milk in your Starbucks coffee, ask for a larger cup than your coffee order (tall cup for grande coffee, grande cup for venti coffee). This is because most baristas don’t seem to understand that “room for milk” means ROOM FOR MILK.

Preserve Your Health #1. If you find something in the refrigerator or pantry you can’t identify, throw it out. If you find something in the freezer you can’t identify, throw it out. Thawing it is unlikely to magically reveal its origins.

Preserve Your Health #2. Before you take something out of its original box to put it in the pantry, write what it is on whatever container you put it in. This will help you avoid the previous tip.

Prepare for Emergencies. If the area you live in is prone to natural disasters, always keep enough gas in your car to allow you to evacuate without anxiety. In some areas of the country, this may require keeping an extra car with a full tank handy and your passport inside.

Keep Weight Off. This one is counter-intuitive, but it works. If you get a craving for one of those 1000-calorie fast food burgers that you enjoyed as a teen-ager, dive right in. It won’t taste nearly as good as you remember, and the experience will kill similar cravings for several years.

Finding Lost Items. This one’s easy. To find something you’ve lost, simply replace it.

Reduce Junk Mail. Tape those pesky business reply cards or envelopes to something heavy and drop it in the mailbox. The post office will indeed send it back to the offending marketer and charge them accordingly.

Learning From Others. If someone asks you if you want some free advice, say no.

Protect Your Family. If you’re going to drink and drive, text and drive, or chat and drive, increase both your liability insurance and your life insurance. The rest of us extend our gratitude.

 

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About middleagecranky

The Middle-Age Cranky blog is written by baby boomer Howard Baldwin, who finds the world, while occasionally wondrous, increasingly aggravating.
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4 Responses to Some Weird Tips of My Own

  1. Sassy says:

    I particularly love the ones on finding a lost item and protecting your family.

  2. SR Newman says:

    Such funny-coated wisdom! Just implemented your freezer tips and filled a garbage bag. Who brings stuff over and puts it in our freezer anyway????

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