Still Confused After All These Years (Part Two)

As I wrote back in 2009, I always thought that I’d get smarter as I got older. Instead, I seem to be getting more confused, with more questions I can’t answer. For instance:

• I recorded Gaslight, in which Ingrid Bergman suspects Charles Boyer is driving her insane, but what I was really expecting to see was Suspicion, in which Joan Fontaine suspects Cary Grant is trying to kill her.

• It’s great that we’ve severely reduced our holiday gift-giving in the fight against rampant consumerism, but now I have no idea what to do with all the wrapping paper we have left over (see photo).

• Why do people send holiday letters that describe vacations in regions where the recipients live? Why would they tell you they were in town but didn’t call?

• Why is everyone so ga-ga over The Artist? I sat there thinking I was watching a pastiche of A Star Is Born, Singing in the Rain, and Rin Tin Tin. And was Malcolm MacDowell really only in one scene?

• How is it that some people think Mitt Romney is too conservative and other people think he’s too liberal? That’s gotta be a real tribute to expediency. And does he really think Americans are going to elect a president with offshore bank accounts?

• Why is that, when you look up hypocrisy in the dictionary, Newt Gingrich’s picture isn’t there?

• And while we’re on the subject of politics, why did Rick Santorum have to make a laughingstock out of one of my favorite articles of clothing: sweater vests?

• Unless I am looking at one, I’m not sure I can tell a Nissan Versa from a Toyota Venza.

• It’s only February, but already twice this year I’ve been approached for ghostwriting projects, only to be met with complete silence from the person actually making the decision. Why is it so hard for people to say they’ve changed their mind or they’re not interested?

• Am I the only one who worries about how much time I spend waiting for the microwave to beep?

• Why don’t telemarketers understand they’re giving themselves away by saying “hello” after you say hello? Normal people who call don’t say hello; they ask for whomever they’re calling.

• How can a childless couple like us go through enough dishes to run the dishwasher every other day – sometimes every day? Do cat food bowls make that big a difference?

• It scares me that when I’ve dried my hair after a shower, I look like Dilbert’s boss.

• I really hope we’re still not giving $20 billion in foreign aid to Pakistan, but I wouldn’t be a bit surprised.

• How did I get a Panamanian quarter in change last week?

• Who writes the rules governing acceptable answers in a crossword puzzle? When did suffixes become legitimate?

• I saw a review of the Cranberries’ new album, Roses, and thought, “Cool! Eric Carmen’s got the band back together.” Then I remembered that was the Raspberries. Same color, different taste.

• When Obama sold us on “change we can believe in,” I’m pretty sure he wasn’t referring to Panamanian quarters. I’m still waiting, still confused.

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About middleagecranky

The Middle-Age Cranky blog is written by baby boomer Howard Baldwin, who finds the world, while occasionally wondrous, increasingly aggravating.
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