20 Things Boomers Must Never Do

Self-help stories are full of tips and advice, telling people what they must do in order to be healthy, wealthy, wise, or otherwise obnoxious in their friends’ eyes. These stories run the gamut of what you should eat, what you should drink, how you should exercise. Reading them is a lot like being back in your parents’ house.

As a counterpoint to these “do this, do that” stories, Middle Age Cranky offers this contrary list covering 20 things Boomers must never, ever do. Bad things will happen.

  1. Keep clothes that no longer fit on the premise that, after a successful diet, they’ll be usable again. This never happens, and you’re only keeping them from the needy.
  2. Sell a big house under the mistaken impression that the kids will never come back to live with you.
  3. Tally up your lifetime earnings. The total will be a startling amount that you can in no way account for.
  4. Eat popcorn. Your dentist will confirm this.
  5. Arrive home past midnight from a class reunion your old flame attended but your spouse didn’t.
  6. Try to recreate the Cialis television commercial. Moving those two claw-foot tubs down to the beach will give you a hernia, strain your back, or both.
  7. Hitchhike. It may seem like a quaint throwback to the innocent days of your youth, but really – don’t.
  8. Start aimlessly surfing on the Web, unless you want to lose track of two hours of your life that you’ll never get back.
  9. Vote based solely on ideological purity (whether on the left or the right).
  10. Put off the vacation of the lifetime with your loved one until after you retire. People get sick and die not only when you least expect it, but also when you least want them to.
  11. Take your loved ones for granted. (See #10.)
  12. Buy the car you’ve wanted ever since adolescence without having a boatload of money to maintain it. Similarly, don’t buy a boat without a carload of money to maintain it.
  13. Return to your hometown expecting nothing to have changed. If nothing else, you’ve changed.
  14. Buy the entire boxed DVD set of a television show you loved as a child without checking out a few episodes on Netflix first. Your tastes have changed.
  15. Wonder why the first person with whom you went steady broke it off. That’s just wasted energy.
  16. Wonder why phrases like “going steady” went out of style. (Same reason as #15.)
  17. Drive at night. You know I’m right on this one.
  18. Put your grocery coupons somewhere you won’t logically find them when you get to the checkout counter. Because you won’t remember them otherwise.
  19. Worry about maladies that run in your family. (Everyone has those. You should, however, worry about the ones that sprint.)
  20. Compile lists of things other people shouldn’t do, especially when you’ve done half of them yourself.
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About middleagecranky

The Middle-Age Cranky blog is written by baby boomer Howard Baldwin, who finds the world, while occasionally wondrous, increasingly aggravating.
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3 Responses to 20 Things Boomers Must Never Do

  1. Judit Sarossy says:

    It is funny but so true.

  2. Douglas Whitcher says:

    This is the only kind of advice I am likely to take –or disregard…well, at least to take heed of in some way.

  3. Pingback: 20 Things Every Boomer Should Do | Middle-Age Cranky

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